I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
4 words: hood of his car
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
