Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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