How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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