There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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