Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
birth control should be required to get into college
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize