threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
