remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
