I hate your face
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
