So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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