About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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