Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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