Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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