So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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