Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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