After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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