I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
