be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Houston, we have a squirter
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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