Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
