i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
