I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
