Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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