so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
