my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
