Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I wish i was in the wii world.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
