You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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