I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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