What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
