So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
