what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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