I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
