and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She said her name was "party"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
