OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
