I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
