You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
