I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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