I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
