I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
