Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
