I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
did you just send me my own nude
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize