Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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