When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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