How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
