If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
