I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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