Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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