my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize