I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
