i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
