You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
