My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she smelled like a LAN party
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
