I wish my penis had an off switch
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
