I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
