I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
