Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
