Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
