she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
