I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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