Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
